by Tippi Delarosa
I stare blankly at an abyss of nothingness. For what seems like forever I feel no urge to move. I can hear the clock on my bedside table ticking, but as seconds turn into minutes and minutes into hours I simply lay motionless on my bed. I am not tired. I am not sleepy. I just...feel.
As the sun starts to set, I find myself getting up. I go to a corner in my tiny apartment and start doodling on a piece of paper. Looking back, I was around 25 when I did this last. I will never forget this because it was at that age when I stopped doing everything that would make me emotionally vulnerable.
My left hand continues to move even as my heart swells to unbelievable proportions. There is so much inside me that has to be channelled creatively.
I am happy.
I have never been this happy in a long time -- the kind that brings inner peace even as it spills over to make the world a more beautiful place in which to live.
I feel so loved it makes me sing even if I cannot actually carry a tune. The fact that I didn’t see this coming makes it all the more special. In the mid of the emotional chaos I’ve recently experienced, this love served as hope....a guiding light at the end of a dark and lonely tunnel.
I feel so loved all my senses are in full alert. Suddenly every single nerve in my body becomes very sensitive. Food tastes better. Leaves look greener. Roses smell sweeter. Birds sing chipper. Pillows feel softer.
In return, I love. I love like this is the first time I have ever done so. I love, that all I think about is his happiness...and peace of mind. I hurt when he is hurt. I smile when he is happy.
Oh how I love. I so love he makes me want to be the best that I can be. Every. Single. Day.
I wake up and roll over my bed. It’s a sunshiny day. I get up and brush my teeth. I turn on the shower knob and the first blast of cold water wakes up my still lethargic muscles. The temperature slowly turns from cold to warm. I savor every single drop. Later as I ponder what to wear from an array of clothes I have in my closet, I smile.
I am happy.
Ours is not a perfect bond. It has its own hills as well as valleys. Who cares? As long as we know we are there for each other no matter what, then it’s okay.
He’s protective of me to the point of being territorial. I bask in this possessiveness. I feel giddy every time I remember his declaration that I am his. For, indeed, I am.
He breathes energy into my days. He inspires me to draw. He inspires me to write. He inspires me to read. Most of all, he led music back into my life.
I walk towards the train station. I think of the small cubicle I lovingly call home and marvel at how cozy it has become. In less than a year it has witnessed two turning points in my life – 1) my letting go of someone who now belongs to the past; and, 2) my salutation to a love that now defines my very existence.
I accidentally bump into a giggling young woman who looks ready to party. I say ‘sorry,’ she says ‘sumimasen.’ We go our respective ways. I think: such is life. When something is over, you just move on. Meantime, I look forward to going home.
I am happy.
Thousands of miles may separate us now but technology has a way of bridging oceans. We will see each other again, I know. I am just thankful that he chose to come into my life when he did.